As with every generation, mothers and daughters share a special bond and a lifelong relationship that acts as a bridge or a deep connection towards each other. Though one is not quite a woman yet and the other, in many ways, is still no longer a girl, they each bear the qualities of the other. Little girls want to grow up fast, and dear sweet Moms want to regain their youth. Most of the time, they are each other’s mirror images.
One generation wishes and hopes to see the best accomplishments and leave a memorable legacy for the next generation. Isn’t that what life is all about? At this stage, Mothers also know and remember how important it is to be good role models for their daughters.
As humans, we want to be seen, heard, valued(appreciated) and understood because we are all sensitive and emotional beings, especially girls growing up. They are still naive and want to explore the world, and yet it is so relevant and apt for grown-up Moms because they have experienced life, at least, so they are eager to share their journey(lessons) and protect their beloved daughter from unnecessary harm.
What are your best intentions?
So, with only the best of intentions, moms and daughters travel their journeys through life. It is every mother’s hope that their daughter grows up to be a strong, independent, caring, and responsible human being in the world. A mother’s dream is to enjoy the fruits of her labor (no pun intended) to know that her daughter has developed healthy self-esteem, is taking good care of herself psychologically, spiritually, and physically, is happy, confident, safe, and is kind to herself first and foremost before she can give it all to others and the world.
Women are taught and prepared from an early age and often make the mistake of wanting to focus and giving ALL their attention to others, yet they do not have the full capacity to not only give to themselves but give what they do not have. In most cases, they fall short and end up blaming themselves, feeling guilty, and ashamed of not measuring up to some obscure and unclear standard set by society, which leads to low self-esteem, and an introverted, wounded young woman with inadequate skills to handle life’s challenges.
There are many detours and roadblocks along the way, but you can overcome them using these four building blocks—there are many to choose from, but we picked these because they are important and absolutely essential to building and maintaining a great healthy, harmonious, stable relationship with your daughter that will last a lifetime!
Because of your efforts in developing this relationship now, not only will you enjoy a close unique friendship with your daughter, but you will also pass on to her the wonderful gift of future strong relationships with her own children. Really, what can be more important and rewarding than that? It ranks right up there as the top priority!
Life is based on building blocks. Relationships are based on the same principles. Given the tools, you can build yours strong to overcome the bumps on the road and the trials of life. Strong, stable foundational principles provide the anchors to weather any storm. It’s never too late to begin. With each new day comes awareness, renewal, forgiveness, and a positive step towards building once again.
1. TRUST
Without trust, any relationship doesn’t stand a chance! Trust often is confused as a given. A God-given right! As a loving mother, your daughter has grown to trust YOU. She knows you will pick her up when you say you will. She knows that she is cared for and provided for by YOU.
Your daughter also knows your love is unconditional and that, regardless of her wrongdoings sometimes, she knows without a shadow of a doubt that you’ll be there. She might get yelled at, but she TRUSTS you above all. Through consistent words, credibility, and actions, you have earned her trust.
How about her perception of earning trust? Each young lady must realize that TRUST must be earned. You earned her trust in the same way! Ask yourself: Why is it that sometimes we feel the need to accredit our children with attributes that should be earned? Our daughters need to understand that trust is patient. It is built over time, with no cheating, and no shortcuts.
The small steps (rewards) process is a journey to gaining their independence. They must learn to accept responsibility for earning trust and cherish it as one of the most valuable aspects of their shared relationship. When you, as her mother, make this important, it becomes a priority! Remember, humans are great mimickers of life, so be vigilant.
There are five steps to establishing trust between a mother and a daughter. Each is important and well-guarded. They include HONESTY; AWARENESS; FOLLOW-UP; CONSEQUENCE; and finally, PRIVILEDGE. Knowing each of them and how to apply these steps to a working relationship is key to maintaining a loving relationship. You can develop, and define these laws according to your household parenthood principles that suit your environment(do’s and don’ts), and they must be made very clear, non-negotiable, and cannot deviate from them.
2. COMMUNICATION
Funny when our children are born, we seem so in tune with their needs. We know the difference between a hungry cry and a mad cry. We can sense the slight mood change and worry for hours that there is a cold coming on. As our little girls grow up, we teach them to talk. We repeat sounds and clap for joy when they say, Baba(Papa) and Mama. We are elated to know that our little girls are on their way up to the scale of development. We pay close attention to all of their needs and kiss them softly and quietly goodnight.
Just because we teach language, an ensemble of sounds does not mean we teach communication. Communication is defined as an act of transmitting OR an exchange of information or opinions or ideas. Think about this, an act of transmitting which can mean giving orders, commands, and/or instructions. This of course is necessary at times. It means we mean what we say and do it! No questions, no discussions entered into.
This form of communication is certainly acceptable and appropriate at times. Taking the other side of the definition, an exchange of information, we understand this to be a form of sharing information, exploring another’s opinion, formulating thoughts, and logic, and finally reaching a decision. This, too, is very important.
As a matter of fact, this is the foundation of effective communication involving two or more people. Let us not forget that women are emotional beings. Be aware when involving emotions in your conversation.
When does it start? As our girls learn their words at the age of 2, they also begin to learn communication skills. These skills are mostly taught by our physical reactions and not our verbal capabilities. It is said Mothers are the first teachers before children go out there to explore the world.
Physical reactions involve the delivery of our words, the tone of our voices, and the actions of our bodies. It is not about getting through it’s about logical reasoning and openness to understanding another human being. Since your daughter has already achieved a level of trust in you, she will embrace your skills of communication if delivered in a manner that supports her best interests without threatening her own desires.
It is your role, your duty, and your responsibility as a parent to be in control at all times. YOU just need the tools to help educate your daughter on the ways of the world. With these tools and exercises, you are able to begin to lay a strong foundation of open-minded, free exchange of information without losing your position of authority. Remember communication can be a two-way street or a single command. Your choice, your control.
3. EFFECTIVE LISTENING.
Now that we have defined communication, I urge you to not spend too much time talking. Teach by action as well! How? It is easy (once you understand how). Spend a lot of time listening without judgement. Effective listening provides an avenue to generate genuine interest and show insight into your daughter’s life.
There is so much you can learn by listening and observing. Listening not only involves what your daughter says, but what she does not say (silent desires not expressed) and also how she processes and perceives the opinions of others. This includes her friends, teachers, and anyone she has contact with. I’m not suggesting you spy on her. Just listen you’ll learn more than you can imagine. Listening is a skill.
Creating environments of opportunity is what you want to do. For example, inviting her friends over for lunch or carpools (may not be the best example here, but you understand where this is going) are painful for sure but when you pick up a bunch of her friends, keep the music to a soft level – don’t talk just listen! The girls will be open with their chatter and you’ll be able to interpret not only the quality of her friendships but the collective views and behavior of the group.
Once they have left, encourage a conversation with your daughter to understand her views, and thoughts, get insights, and understand the decision-making processes. In that way, you create an environment where she can come to you and discuss anything that is happening in her life. This creates open communication with your daughter.
This can be very valuable in future conversations you may have with your daughter. It’s also a great way to get to know her friends! Subtle suggestions from your side will have a better impact if you are more informed…remember what you learned regarding communication since your daughter has already achieved a level of trust in you, she will embrace your skills of communication if delivered in a manner that supports her best interests without threatening her own desires. YOU, as the parent, are in control at all times.
4. LETTING GO
Letting go is an ongoing process a Mom will have to deal with. When, how, just enough, and not too much. Knowing when to allow your daughter to find her way and knowing when to hold her hand and guide her. There will be times when your heart breaks for her daughter when she wants to take her pain, her place, her path, but the same lessons we’ve learned, so too shall they. Mothers quickly realize that they cannot (and should not) protect their daughters from everything.
If you think about it, looking back on your own life some of the most painful situations taught you the most powerful life lessons. Whether that was empathy and compassion for others, or our ability to forgive and move on; whatever crisis your younger self faced growing up you had a choice, you could choose to be bitter or better. It was a choice.
In being there for your daughter, while letting go you provide the strength covering she needs to stand on her own. Through pain, you grow and through growth you become whole. Sometimes there are no words to offer, sometimes silence and solidarity speak louder than any great speech. If you have built upon the three previous blocks, letting go will be a natural process of love. There is no fear where love dwells.
Your goal is accomplished. You have helped build a strong foundation for a lifelong, healthy relationship with your daughter. Your work is complete, and you will be richly rewarded for what you initially invested.
Being there involves just that: being there as a friend, a parent, a role model, a motivator, and a mother. Learning today how to build and enjoy a mother-daughter relationship is the best gift you will ever give to both yourself and your daughter. This is a gift that can be passed down from generation to generation, building stronger and deeper connections each time.
CONCLUSION
Learning about enriching your relationship with your daughter is one of the most valuable lessons you will ever give to both yourself and your daughter because it is empowering. The building blocks can show you the way. From a beautiful baby girl in your arms, through the turbulent teens, the age of independence and self-discovery, to watching her gain total confidence and independence. Your reward is knowing that your job of parenting has now become the fruit of a friendship that will last a lifetime.
Thank you once again for gracing us with your presence and for reading this article. Please leave a comment below and tell us which building block you are struggling with. Let us engage and please share it with those who may need it.
